O mother, I wish that you could see,
all the love, I have for thee.
How distress palled me, made me vain
so calmly when you embraced my pain.
No crease I saw , nor heard a sigh,
your divine face all worries defy.
And in your arms what treasure there is
away from maddening crowd, just peace.
Seeds of bliss for me you’ve sown,
In your presence no worry was known.
Wondering which heaven men have sought,
I smiled, for my own in you I got.
Alas, now leaving this haven secure,
I’m alone in wilderness, so obscure.
But if your virtues guide my days,
free from sorrow , I’ll find my grace..
mother's day pe iska print out nikal k mummum ko gift kar dena..really touching :) good work!
ReplyDeleteno words can express d love for mums ...
ReplyDeletebut u did a gud job :)
gud 1
ReplyDeletei wish i cud write such well song!!!!
First things first, too many commas. I suffered from the very same malady until I attended this poetry workshop. Your beginning could flow a lot more smoothly without the comma. How about :
ReplyDeleteO Mother,
I wish you could see,
All the love I have for thee.......
Think about it.....
Moreover, is palled used in the very same sense as a PAL, a friend. I checked up and found that palled has only one meaning, i.e. making a friend. So are you hinting that you have befriended distress?????
Think about it..........
2nd Para, last line.....
Maddening Crowd......sounds cliched..doesnt it???
Since this is a eulogy it wouldnt be too wise to use a cliche, would it?? We can use cliches when we are are demeaning someone, dont we??
Think about it........
3rd Para, last line. (I got). Sounds too modern. Not in sync with the 'THEE' you had used in the First Para. That is almost obsolete. So there seems to be a mismatch.
Think about it........
4th Para, last line. GRACE does not rhyme too well with days. If you see, at all places the rhymings are almost perfect. So why would you want to end on a discordant note in a poem where you are suggesting that your mother's advice holds the key for all your troubles. That is comforting, but the use of discordant rhyme in the end is not. One can use it to suggest a break in the flow of the poem or that a particular situation is not too comforting.
Think about it......
But all said, Good work. Nice sense of rhyme and rhythm and an uncanny ability to rhyme at all costs. If thats your strength, work on it. Sounded Comforting and ran smoothly, overall!!!!!!!!
in the 1st stanza i hav used pall n not pal. pall refers to a "thick dark cloud of something".
ReplyDeletethe grammatic error can be in the fact that -ed is generally nt added to pall. i thank u for bringing that to my notice.
wot i am hinting in the line is that i was overcome with a profound sense of sorrow when unwittingly i was a cause of great pain to my mother , who even then embraced me with all my failings.